Simple Tips for supporting Grieving persons

Tips for supporting those who might be grieving

 

A suggestion from one reader has asked that there be some discussion on the topic of relationships, commitment and changing life directions, which I will attend to, but first due to the level of response of what has happened within the last few days with the events of Flight MH17 and the subsequent grief, shock and anger, I thought it may be better to address these topics first and then address those other ones later in a later post.

 

Because of the seriousness of these concerns, the tone will be a little bit more sombre, so bear with me.

 

So, in a nutshell, if you are the person who is helping and/or supporting someone who is experiencing grief or a sudden loss, keep the following  8 points in mind:

 

1.      Acknowledge the grieving person’s experience.   Above all don’t deny it. Don’t dismiss it with platitudes such as “he’s in a better place” or “It’s God’s will”. (Yikes!). Don’t counter what they feel.  If they feel sad or angry, confused, shocked or in denial.  Don’t counter it...... just yet. There are a plethora of emotions when someone is in shock and grief. The best thing to do is ask them WHAT they are feeling and reflect it back to them but, here is a caution: don’t parrot them. And don’t tell the person: “I know how you must feel” – because this will get you in to hot water. So, Acknowledge, but don’t counter. Even if the person has a fantasy that the dead person will somehow “comeback” – go with it.

2.      Be ready for any emotion. This comes as a follow up on point #1. Realize that when people grieve that there may be a huge variance in experience. One may be angry. One may be sad. Some people will go very quiet and thoughtful. Some may even be happy! Yes, happy, such as the person, who being a caregiver for the deceased says wistfully: “I am happy she is in a better place. She has no pain now”. Don’t be surprised that any emotion may surface. And again, don’t react back to the expression of the emotion. Acknowledge what the person is feeling.

3.      The deceased individual is now a void in a network or system of relationships. Realize that within a family system or network of friends or relatives, should one person lose a member of the family, it will affect everyone in different ways. So for example, this person was someone’s son, and husband, lover, grandfather, etc. Don’t expect that there will be someone in the family who will be functional. They may all be temporarily dysfunctional. So for example, a young mother of 3 young children dies. Her husband is grieving. He has lost his wife. Her children are grieving. They have lost their mother. The grandparents are both grieving. They have lost their daughter. The young mother’s siblings are grieving. They have lost their sister. And so on. So in a situation like this, really nobody within the family group is not in distress and may be not be functioning at high capacity. Quite possibly the only people who might be able to help in this scenario are the other in-laws, in other words, the family on the young father’s side. They should be the ones who should be helping, if they can.

4.      Try not to react back to emotion, if intense. The person is not in their right mind. As stated in points 1 and 2. The person is in an intense state of shock, grief, horror, etc. As the helper, because of displacement (see my post on displacement in “Just Get Over It!(Already).... Not!) you as the helper, because you are the closest person to the grieving individual, you may be target of displaced anger. No, you didn’t cause the cancer, or the airplane/train crash/murder (fill-in-the-blank). But because the grieving person can’t attack the one who is responsible for the tragedy, they may lash out at you. This is a displacement. See it for what it is.  

5.      Don’t set a time limit on the grief.... just yet. Grief and loss take time to get over. Indeed, some people never unfortunately get over their losses. And as I mentioned in another earlier post, they will “get over it” in direct proportion to how comfortable and safely they can give up their “life-ring”.

6.      One loss may bring up reminders of other past losses. Realize that one loss will sometimes bring up memories of other losses in the past. Don’t be surprised if the person starts talking or going back to other similar-related losses (e.g. a death of cancer/suicide/murder/, etc.) will bring to mind other similar losses. Also, other losses of any description, will be felt more keenly by the individual than normally. And the grieving person may also be reminded of other losses unrelated to a death, i.e. their personal loss of job, function, ability, relationship, whatever.

7.      Check in with them emotionally on a regular basis.  If you see any special red flags – especially if they feel suicidal or homicidal. Then you need to seek a local professional immediately. See my earlier post on “When Talking to Friends isn’t enough”.  Often when a person is grieving, there is also a possibility that the potential loss is enough for them to either want to take their life or someone else’s. This makes total sense. Remember point from points 2 and 3, that the person is temporarily dysfunctional and may have any sort of emotional reaction and may choose to act out on those reactions. Hence this is why some people may have suicidal thoughts when a loved one dies and/or they may have homicidal thoughts. They may want to go out and kill the perpetrator.  Neither approach is really quite balanced but the emotional state of the grieving person is so powerful in that moment.  This may help to explain a great deal about terrorism and “tit-for-tat” killing and feuding.

8.       Be on the lookout for grief overwhelm and identification.  (See my earlier two posts on identification.) This is also sometimes called vicarious trauma. If you are working with a grieving person, you may start to identify yourself with the grief. By trying to help and understand what they are going through, you yourself may start to feel grief, especially if the person is not dealing with it. Take time out to get help for yourself. That way, you can feel better and healthier and more able to help your friends or loved ones grieve.

 

I welcome comments, questions for clarification and dialogue respectful to this post and any others.

If you are interested in this or other posts, why not click on the Google + button or submit your email, either way, and follow this blog?

 

Take care,

Steve.

When Talking to friends isn’t enough: When to seek professional help in counselling.

 

As my second entry in this blog, I would like to start to talk about psychotherapy, counselling  and what is the difference between: counselling, psychotherapy, psychiatry, psychoanalysis and generally just to help dispel some of the myths and misconceptions out there.

 

First of all, what is counselling or psychotherapy? And how do I know what it is and when I need it? Well, psychotherapy or counselling is really no different from talking to a good friend or buddy about problems and issues you might be struggling with. The only major difference is really is that the psychotherapist or counsellor has more skills at listening and reflecting back to you what your story is and what you are suffering with. This assumes of course that your friends have enough time and patience to put aside their own needs and agendas when talking with you to be able to do this. Not all friends can.

 

Moreover, because they are friends or buddies, they sometimes have an interest in maintaining your current situation, aka the status quo. Perhaps for example you have a drinking buddy and you want to quit drinking. In this case, although your buddy may hear your concern about drinking, chances are, he (or she) won't exactly support your efforts to quit. And so, counselling is like just speaking to a friend or buddy, but friends or buddies may also have an agenda. A lot of simple emotional difficulties can indeed be solved just by talking it over with a friend, but some cannot.

 

So, say the problem is complicated, and maybe talking to a friend is not so useful, because your friend just “doesn’t get” your problem or like talking about the example above, the friend has a vested interest in you staying the way you are! What to do then? Then you should probably speak to someone else or speak to a counsellor.

 

But what if you are having a problem, you friend DOES listen and knows how to listen and she or he does not have an interest in swaying you in one direction or another.  How do you know when you need to seek professional help and your friend can no longer help you?

So, you need to look for clues in your friend’s behaviour.

 

First off, do they say up front: “You need professional help!” , or something like that – That’s a huge, big red flag clue. You need go no further. Do not pass GO, do NOT collect 200 Dollars. Put down the Monopoly Game. Look for a counsellor or psychotherapist.

 

Secondly, how does your friend react when you want to talk about your problem? Do they sigh? When you ask if you can speak to them, do they put you off or try to brush you off or try to avoid you or the meeting or try to “reschedule” your talk together? This is possibly an non-verbal, unspoken clue that they either are emotionally exhausted trying to help you grapple with your problem and/or they themselves feel helpless to assist you and don’t know how to help you.  They may be trying to be a good friend: helpful, supportive, but the problem you present them with may be so complicated or overwhelming they may not know what the right thing to do is.

Big clue:  if you ask them point blank: “What should I do?” and they answer: “I am not sure. I really don’t know”. 

Look at it this way, if you feel that you are at a standstill in resolving the problem just by talking to your friend, then you probably are. Next step: go find a counsellor!

So if you are talking to your friend about something as complicated and powerful as feelings of suicide, depression or trauma. Almost for sure, your friend will not know what to do. Seek a counsellor.

 

And finally, in what typical situations should you seek out a counsellor right away, if you were thinking of just talking to a friend in order to “get over it”.

Here is a short, helpful list of emotional situations where a person would benefit from seeing a counsellor or seeking professional help:

 

1.      Long term blues (or depression): crying, sleeplessness, worry, anxiety – that has lasted more than a month or two. Feelings or thoughts that you are better off dead or wanting to kill yourself.

2.      Intense feelings of anger or hatred towards someone else that have lasted more than a month or two.

3.      Recurring nightmares, sleeplessness, “flashbacks” or seeing stuff that you witnessed before. These are trauma-like reactions.

4.      Any major (negative) change in your behaviour. This is usually another clue that something is not right. So,... major loss of weight. Major gain in weight. Major change in sleep patterns – sleeping too much, not sleeping enough, having broken sleep. Major increase in substance use. For simplicity, just think: Major Change, or simply Major.... majorly!

Seriously though, if you or your friend(s) recognize a significant (negative) shift in your behaviour, then it’s likely something’s going on and you should speak to a therapist. And hey, if nothing is going on it won’t hurt. It’s like going to the doctor for a pain in your side. It might be nothing at all just a muscle twinge. But then again it might be something more serious.

 
I welcome comments, questions for clarification and dialogue respectful to this post and any others.
And if you are interested in this or other posts, why not click on the Google + button or submit your email, either way, and follow? 

Take care.

Steve.

 

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog. My name is Steve and I'm a counsellor in private practice in the Cowichan Valley on Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada.

My primary interest is people - what motivates them and the often ingenious and sometimes heroic way that so many people manage to survive and thrive. It's only natural then, that I decided to make a career based on just that.

In my practice I focus on that part of the population sometimes known as the "worried well", the "walking wounded" or even the "working wounded"; people who, like anyone else, have their share of baggage, stressors, and challenges, but manage to carry on as best they can.

Anyone, however, can reach a point of being overwhelmed. Sometimes it's when too many ordinary stressors occur at once, or perhaps a loved one is in crisis, times of loss and grieving or transition through life's stages, or struggling to cope with a low mood. It's often at these times that relationships can fray, and daily routines seem like too much.

I'm going to address these issues in my bog, as well as provide information about the nature of counselling and talk therapy - what it is and isn't, what a person can expect, and perhaps clear up some commonly held misconceptions. I'll also touch on what people can do to help themselves not just survive, but thrive.