Robin Williams: Suicide and tips for persons struggling with suicide

 

So I need to start this post entry by saying it was not my intention to write a post on suicide, suicidality, prevention, warning signs and helping those struggling with suicide and/or people supporting those struggling with suicide. In my past work experience, I did a lot of crisis counselling for people who were feeling suicidal, but I was concerned about "capitalizing" upon this poor man's death.

 

 

In view of the death of actor Robin Williams, it may be timely to visit the topic as it has brought the subject of mental health and in particular, suicide, to the fore. Moreover, dealing with living in the limelight may have had a huge toll on the man that we may never fully understand, see post on Envy, Narcissism and the Cult of Celebrity, link here: cowichancounselling.blogspot.ca/2014/08/justin-bieber-narcissism-envy-and-cult.html

Robin Williams' struggle with depression and his eventual suicide brings to light an issue that many people who are depressed wrestle with: taking your own life. Now, for most persons, in the most simple way to view the situation, the desire to suicide, or thoughts about suicide, even fleeting thoughts are usually in response to feelings of utter hopelessness.

Most people who are full of hope (or faith,.... and yes, I mean that religious thing too!), usually don't succumb to taking their lives.  It is when things appear to the individual that there is no way out or no solution, that they begin to entertain the idea of suicide or what is called "suicidal ideation" --- again another fancy expression, that psychotherapists/counsellors like me use!

So people who are facing chronic pain or who have had multiple losses and have begun to lose hope are most at risk.

So, many of us have experienced times of desperation where we felt hopeless and may have even voiced or said aloud "I wish I were dead". This is like an ideation. Fleeting, brief and it goes away as the situation changes. However, if the situation intensifies and continues, for an ongoing period of time, then the fleeting thoughts appear more and more often. Now they become a continuous daily theme. At some point the "theme" may then evolve into something more sinister.

This is when the individual starts fantasizing about taking their own life. This is an amber/red alert type of situation. However, if the individual then moves from fantasies to actual, concrete planning of their suicide, now you have an emergency.

The following are some red flags -- warning signs that you or someone you know is at very serious risk. Indeed if someone only even says, even just in passing, even just jokingly "I feel like killing myself" Then your red flag needs to go up. 

 

Red Flags:

 

1. Saying "good bye", literally and figuratively. Having meetings with people. Having lunch or dinner with people. This is usually a "goodbye" dinner for the suicide victim, saying good bye to loved ones before they "go". Tidying things up. Wrapping things up.Giving away prized possessions.
2. History of depression in the individual.
3. History of past suicide attempts in the individual.
4. History of suicides or past suicide attempts within a family.
5. History of drug/alcohol abuse.
6. A very sudden shift from regular "down" mood to a feeling of elation. (Usually due to "seeing a final solution" to their pain, i.e. "suicide".
7. Suicidal thoughts.
8. Firm suicide plans.
9. Access to weapons: guns, ammunition, knives, ropes, cords, belts, medications, poison.

And then the following are some protective factors which buffer against suicide, suicidal ideation and suicidal gestures:

Protective Factors:

1. Family members close by. Someone living with the individual. Even a family pet.
2.  A sense of "purpose" or mission for the individual.
3. A belief in some kind of faith/religion.
4. Someone/anyone to talk to, who will listen without judging.

Note also that in general men tend to use more lethal, permanent means for suicide, whereas generally, women use less lethal, less immediate means for suicide. Women of course are socialized more to reach out for help, whereas men unfortunately are not. Hence women may have more suicide attempts (in a bid either for attention or help) whereas men will not, but when planning for a suicide, men will use more irreversible means. So men will tend to use firearms more often, whereas women will use poison or cut their wrists.

So, for the average individual, even thinking or discussing the possibility of suicide with someone else may be scary whether you are the suicidee or the person who is trying to help.

If you are the person who is trying to help:

1. Don't freak out. As long as the person in front of you is in one piece and not harming themselves, you and they are okay. The most important thing: KEEP THEM TALKING. While they are talking, they can't be harming (usually).

2. Don't think that by asking if the person has a suicide plan, that it will make them act on it. On the contrary, for most suicidal people the fact that a person is even interested in what they are experiencing and wants to help.... this can often alleviate their pain and pull them back from suiciding. Don't be afraid to ask them if they feel like killing themselves or if they have a plan.

3. Ask the person to go to hospital. And accompany them. And call an emergency first-responder.


If you are the person who is feeling suicidal:

1. Call someone, preferably a mental health professional, or crisis line or even a friend and tell them you are in immediate crisis and are feeling like you are actively wanting to kill yourself.


All of this is very brief information and what I would call  a guideline. Suicide is much more complicated than this, especially if there are other factors involved. However some of the above is pretty basic.

For more information see the following websites (including the one attached to this blog, www.cowichancounselling.ca):

1. The Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention: www.suicideprevention.ca

2. In the U.S.: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

3. In the U.K., Russia, Ukraine and Poland and most of Europe: www.suicide.org

Be aware that this is not a comprehensive list, but to be used as a starting point, especially if you or someone else is suffering from severe longterm depression.
Please also have a look at two other earlier posts: When Talking to Friends isn't enough, link here: cowichancounselling.blogspot.ca/2014/06/when-talking-to-friends-isnt-enough.html

and Tips and Strategies for dealing with Anxiety and Depression, link here:cowichancounselling.blogspot.ca/2014/07/tips-and-strategies-for-dealing-with.html

Most important of all, dear friends, KEEP TALKING!!!
The best way to avoid suicide for yourself and preventing it in others, is genuine concern and connection.
As I was thinking about this post I thought of a Stevie Nicks' song. Some may think it dated or even hokey, however, the lyrics point out something sincere -- to keep talking to your friends when you are feeling like you are sinking into that hole of depression. And if that doesn't work to talk to a professional. In fact, one comment on this video stated that a teenager remembered this song, especially when he was down and it was the ONLY thing that kept him from suiciding.
I post the lyrics with it, because Ms. Nicks, by her own admission, said this song was difficult to sing and the lyrics are what make the song so poignant.
Lyrics follow the video.

Enjoy, and keep talking and
Take Care,


Steve.

I welcome comments, questions for clarification and dialogue respectful to this post and any others.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Co-gXBjfbGk

I can see we're thinkin' bout the same things
And I can see your expression when the phone rings
We both know there's something happening here
Well, there's no sense in dancing round the subject
A wound gets worse when it's treated with neglect
Don't turn around there's nothing here to fear

You can talk to me
Talk to me
You can talk to me
You can set your secrets free, baby

Dusty words lying under carpets
Seldom heard, well must you keep your secrets
Locked inside hidden safe from view
Well, is it all that hard?
Is it all that tough?
Well, I've shown you all my cards now isn't that enough?
You can hide your hurt
But, there's something you can do:

You can talk to me
Talk to me... talk to me
I can set your secrets free, baby


Though we lay face to face and cheek to cheek
Our voices stray from the common ground where they
Could meet
The walls run high, to veil a swelling tear
Oh, let the walls burn down, set your secrets free
You can break their bounds, cause you're safe with me
You can lose your doubt, cause you'll find no danger
Not here

You can talk to me
Talk to me
You can talk to me
You can set your secrets free, baby

Oh, I can see you running... I can see you running
I can see you running all the way back home
I can see your expression when the phone rings
And I can see that you're thinkin' bout the same things
Is it all that hard?
Is it all that tough?
Well, you've taken all there is now baby
Isn't that enough?
Well, I can see you runnin'... I can see you runnin'
All the way back


Simple Tips for supporting Grieving persons

Tips for supporting those who might be grieving

 

A suggestion from one reader has asked that there be some discussion on the topic of relationships, commitment and changing life directions, which I will attend to, but first due to the level of response of what has happened within the last few days with the events of Flight MH17 and the subsequent grief, shock and anger, I thought it may be better to address these topics first and then address those other ones later in a later post.

 

Because of the seriousness of these concerns, the tone will be a little bit more sombre, so bear with me.

 

So, in a nutshell, if you are the person who is helping and/or supporting someone who is experiencing grief or a sudden loss, keep the following  8 points in mind:

 

1.      Acknowledge the grieving person’s experience.   Above all don’t deny it. Don’t dismiss it with platitudes such as “he’s in a better place” or “It’s God’s will”. (Yikes!). Don’t counter what they feel.  If they feel sad or angry, confused, shocked or in denial.  Don’t counter it...... just yet. There are a plethora of emotions when someone is in shock and grief. The best thing to do is ask them WHAT they are feeling and reflect it back to them but, here is a caution: don’t parrot them. And don’t tell the person: “I know how you must feel” – because this will get you in to hot water. So, Acknowledge, but don’t counter. Even if the person has a fantasy that the dead person will somehow “comeback” – go with it.

2.      Be ready for any emotion. This comes as a follow up on point #1. Realize that when people grieve that there may be a huge variance in experience. One may be angry. One may be sad. Some people will go very quiet and thoughtful. Some may even be happy! Yes, happy, such as the person, who being a caregiver for the deceased says wistfully: “I am happy she is in a better place. She has no pain now”. Don’t be surprised that any emotion may surface. And again, don’t react back to the expression of the emotion. Acknowledge what the person is feeling.

3.      The deceased individual is now a void in a network or system of relationships. Realize that within a family system or network of friends or relatives, should one person lose a member of the family, it will affect everyone in different ways. So for example, this person was someone’s son, and husband, lover, grandfather, etc. Don’t expect that there will be someone in the family who will be functional. They may all be temporarily dysfunctional. So for example, a young mother of 3 young children dies. Her husband is grieving. He has lost his wife. Her children are grieving. They have lost their mother. The grandparents are both grieving. They have lost their daughter. The young mother’s siblings are grieving. They have lost their sister. And so on. So in a situation like this, really nobody within the family group is not in distress and may be not be functioning at high capacity. Quite possibly the only people who might be able to help in this scenario are the other in-laws, in other words, the family on the young father’s side. They should be the ones who should be helping, if they can.

4.      Try not to react back to emotion, if intense. The person is not in their right mind. As stated in points 1 and 2. The person is in an intense state of shock, grief, horror, etc. As the helper, because of displacement (see my post on displacement in “Just Get Over It!(Already).... Not!) you as the helper, because you are the closest person to the grieving individual, you may be target of displaced anger. No, you didn’t cause the cancer, or the airplane/train crash/murder (fill-in-the-blank). But because the grieving person can’t attack the one who is responsible for the tragedy, they may lash out at you. This is a displacement. See it for what it is.  

5.      Don’t set a time limit on the grief.... just yet. Grief and loss take time to get over. Indeed, some people never unfortunately get over their losses. And as I mentioned in another earlier post, they will “get over it” in direct proportion to how comfortable and safely they can give up their “life-ring”.

6.      One loss may bring up reminders of other past losses. Realize that one loss will sometimes bring up memories of other losses in the past. Don’t be surprised if the person starts talking or going back to other similar-related losses (e.g. a death of cancer/suicide/murder/, etc.) will bring to mind other similar losses. Also, other losses of any description, will be felt more keenly by the individual than normally. And the grieving person may also be reminded of other losses unrelated to a death, i.e. their personal loss of job, function, ability, relationship, whatever.

7.      Check in with them emotionally on a regular basis.  If you see any special red flags – especially if they feel suicidal or homicidal. Then you need to seek a local professional immediately. See my earlier post on “When Talking to Friends isn’t enough”.  Often when a person is grieving, there is also a possibility that the potential loss is enough for them to either want to take their life or someone else’s. This makes total sense. Remember point from points 2 and 3, that the person is temporarily dysfunctional and may have any sort of emotional reaction and may choose to act out on those reactions. Hence this is why some people may have suicidal thoughts when a loved one dies and/or they may have homicidal thoughts. They may want to go out and kill the perpetrator.  Neither approach is really quite balanced but the emotional state of the grieving person is so powerful in that moment.  This may help to explain a great deal about terrorism and “tit-for-tat” killing and feuding.

8.       Be on the lookout for grief overwhelm and identification.  (See my earlier two posts on identification.) This is also sometimes called vicarious trauma. If you are working with a grieving person, you may start to identify yourself with the grief. By trying to help and understand what they are going through, you yourself may start to feel grief, especially if the person is not dealing with it. Take time out to get help for yourself. That way, you can feel better and healthier and more able to help your friends or loved ones grieve.

 

I welcome comments, questions for clarification and dialogue respectful to this post and any others.

If you are interested in this or other posts, why not click on the Google + button or submit your email, either way, and follow this blog?

 

Take care,

Steve.