Flight MH17

Flight MH17: Multiple, Severe Loss and Grieving.

Because of what has happened in the last few days in Eastern Ukraine, with the downing of flight MH 17, I have felt an obligation to write a post about this, precisely because it has been so horrific. And quite possibly because, others may be struggling to make sense of all this, not least of which the victims’ families.

For some reading this post or thinking about Flight MH17, it may bring up profound grief or even tears. So talking about the emotional experiences of what we see and witness in the world can help, especially if we can process it.

And for those who may be feeling “emotional” or teary-eyed, this may be due to at least two, if not more factors. One of them I have already started to talk about which is “identification” or what you identify with (see my earlier (2) post (s) on identification: "Can I have your identification, please -- part 1 on personal identity, Link here: http://www.cowichancounselling.blogspot.ca/2014/07/can-i-have-your-identification-please.html  And "Can I have your identification, please -- part 2 (on national identity), Link here: http://cowichancounselling.blogspot.ca/2014/07/can-i-have-your-identification-please.html
 
Identification is similar to when you go to a movie  and you “identify” or resonate with or feel a character in the film  and thus you cry or laugh or become excited or angry or whatever the emotion may be, especially if you have had a similar experience to the character.

So therefore I would hazard to guess that many of the following people or groups of people would identify with this disaster and it would therefore bring up for them tears of grief, as there was a link of similarity:

            The Netherlands and all people of Dutch descent

            Australians

            Malaysians

            Family members of the victims of flight MH370

            Family members of the victims of 911

            Family members who have lost children to terrorism

            Family members of those who have been senselessly murdered, such as at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conneticut, or Virginia Tech or Columbine highschool in Colorado...   

And of course one can include Russians... Why, one might ask? Because, as seen in this photo taken from around Hrabove (the site of the crash),

        the Russians or Ukrainians in Eastern Ukraine have also been suffering loss of life while the conflict over there has been raging.

            and the list for “identification” goes on....

The other, second reason why one might be feeling teary-eyed or emotional, if one is not directly connected with these events or “identifies” with them in some way, would be due to displacement.

            What is displacement? Displacement is usually when you transfer the emotion of some other experience onto your current situation.

            Let me give an example.

There was once an individual* whom I saw who was struggling with the death of someone close to him. Before seeing him that day, he tripped and fell over and skinned his knee and also quite severely torn his pant leg on a nice pair of dress pants. The wound on his knee was a small flesh wound, nothing an adult would really cry about. Yet when I saw him, he bawled his eyes out, like a baby.

            Why, you might wonder did he do this? Because of displacement. The individual had been struggling for so long in dealing with the death of a loved one and had been subsequently holding everything in, in order not to let everything go. He was obliged to do this as no one else in his family could.

            He finally “snapped” and how he snapped, was by skinning his knee. At this point, he allowed himself or could no longer contain himself and just had to cry. (Yay! I thought to myself). He subsequently felt much better as if a load had been lifted off his shoulders.

            However “displacement” happens more frequently than people realize. It happens because one is given license, so to speak, to cry over more serious issues.

            Whenever an individual carries around an emotional load, that they cannot discharge, because of whatever reason, the emotion will build. After a time, there will be a final straw, which will break the camel’s back.

So you may find a co-worker who has been dealing with abuse in silence and then suddenly snaps, because you inadvertently said the wrong thing. Or a pregnant woman will be over or highly emotional when viewing a sentimental film which she would otherwise consider maudlin.

Often times when you “cry for joy”, this is a displacement. You have been struggling for so long with something and holding it in that when the pressure is off, you finally cave in and cry.  Really, you should be jumping around and shouting “yahoo!” but you have been carrying a bottled up emotion that all you can feel are tears of relief.

This scene with actress Emma Thompson from the film, Sense and Sensibility illustrates what I describe. The character of Elinor, has been obliged to withhold her feelings due to social obligations and propriety of the time. When she is given back the hope that she can marry her true love and that all is not lost, well, she loses her self-possession. Watch.

              

 

So an individual may witness something only mildly emotionally disturbing or profoundly emotionally disturbing, but if they have been displacing their true feelings about something else, then having “a meltdown”, as most people call it, over some minor incident is quite understandable, like that man who began crying because he skinned his knee. What he was really crying about was the loved one he was losing. Hence, a displacement.

 

Finally dear friends, I will finish by saying that when serious, major, severe disasters occur such as this one, people struggle in their grief to find a meaning, or reason for the disaster. By having a reason or a meaning, it makes the loss less severe. It also makes the loss easier to comprehend, because otherwise you cannot literally fit it into your brain (or psyche). Hence this is why sometimes disasters like this are called “senseless”. I will not get into the metaphysical or theological, but this is where belief and faith make misery tolerable. Indeed, sometimes it is the ONLY thing that makes misery tolerable.

Lastly, a piece of music. Dominic Harvey of the The Winchester Cathedral Choir sings Pie Jesu from Gabriel Fauré’s Requiem in D minor. It is a choral orchestral setting for a mass for the dead. The piece is in Latin and the words are very simple:

Pie Jesu Domine – Pious Lord Jesus

Dona eis requiem – Give them rest

Pie Jesu Domine – Pious Lord Jesus

Dona eis sempiternam requiem – Give them everlasting rest

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6ePmrZDTfw

 I welcome comments, questions for clarification and dialogue respectful to this post and any others.

Take care,

Steve.

*Identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individual

When Talking to friends isn’t enough: When to seek professional help in counselling.

 

As my second entry in this blog, I would like to start to talk about psychotherapy, counselling  and what is the difference between: counselling, psychotherapy, psychiatry, psychoanalysis and generally just to help dispel some of the myths and misconceptions out there.

 

First of all, what is counselling or psychotherapy? And how do I know what it is and when I need it? Well, psychotherapy or counselling is really no different from talking to a good friend or buddy about problems and issues you might be struggling with. The only major difference is really is that the psychotherapist or counsellor has more skills at listening and reflecting back to you what your story is and what you are suffering with. This assumes of course that your friends have enough time and patience to put aside their own needs and agendas when talking with you to be able to do this. Not all friends can.

 

Moreover, because they are friends or buddies, they sometimes have an interest in maintaining your current situation, aka the status quo. Perhaps for example you have a drinking buddy and you want to quit drinking. In this case, although your buddy may hear your concern about drinking, chances are, he (or she) won't exactly support your efforts to quit. And so, counselling is like just speaking to a friend or buddy, but friends or buddies may also have an agenda. A lot of simple emotional difficulties can indeed be solved just by talking it over with a friend, but some cannot.

 

So, say the problem is complicated, and maybe talking to a friend is not so useful, because your friend just “doesn’t get” your problem or like talking about the example above, the friend has a vested interest in you staying the way you are! What to do then? Then you should probably speak to someone else or speak to a counsellor.

 

But what if you are having a problem, you friend DOES listen and knows how to listen and she or he does not have an interest in swaying you in one direction or another.  How do you know when you need to seek professional help and your friend can no longer help you?

So, you need to look for clues in your friend’s behaviour.

 

First off, do they say up front: “You need professional help!” , or something like that – That’s a huge, big red flag clue. You need go no further. Do not pass GO, do NOT collect 200 Dollars. Put down the Monopoly Game. Look for a counsellor or psychotherapist.

 

Secondly, how does your friend react when you want to talk about your problem? Do they sigh? When you ask if you can speak to them, do they put you off or try to brush you off or try to avoid you or the meeting or try to “reschedule” your talk together? This is possibly an non-verbal, unspoken clue that they either are emotionally exhausted trying to help you grapple with your problem and/or they themselves feel helpless to assist you and don’t know how to help you.  They may be trying to be a good friend: helpful, supportive, but the problem you present them with may be so complicated or overwhelming they may not know what the right thing to do is.

Big clue:  if you ask them point blank: “What should I do?” and they answer: “I am not sure. I really don’t know”. 

Look at it this way, if you feel that you are at a standstill in resolving the problem just by talking to your friend, then you probably are. Next step: go find a counsellor!

So if you are talking to your friend about something as complicated and powerful as feelings of suicide, depression or trauma. Almost for sure, your friend will not know what to do. Seek a counsellor.

 

And finally, in what typical situations should you seek out a counsellor right away, if you were thinking of just talking to a friend in order to “get over it”.

Here is a short, helpful list of emotional situations where a person would benefit from seeing a counsellor or seeking professional help:

 

1.      Long term blues (or depression): crying, sleeplessness, worry, anxiety – that has lasted more than a month or two. Feelings or thoughts that you are better off dead or wanting to kill yourself.

2.      Intense feelings of anger or hatred towards someone else that have lasted more than a month or two.

3.      Recurring nightmares, sleeplessness, “flashbacks” or seeing stuff that you witnessed before. These are trauma-like reactions.

4.      Any major (negative) change in your behaviour. This is usually another clue that something is not right. So,... major loss of weight. Major gain in weight. Major change in sleep patterns – sleeping too much, not sleeping enough, having broken sleep. Major increase in substance use. For simplicity, just think: Major Change, or simply Major.... majorly!

Seriously though, if you or your friend(s) recognize a significant (negative) shift in your behaviour, then it’s likely something’s going on and you should speak to a therapist. And hey, if nothing is going on it won’t hurt. It’s like going to the doctor for a pain in your side. It might be nothing at all just a muscle twinge. But then again it might be something more serious.

 
I welcome comments, questions for clarification and dialogue respectful to this post and any others.
And if you are interested in this or other posts, why not click on the Google + button or submit your email, either way, and follow? 

Take care.

Steve.

 

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog. My name is Steve and I'm a counsellor in private practice in the Cowichan Valley on Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada.

My primary interest is people - what motivates them and the often ingenious and sometimes heroic way that so many people manage to survive and thrive. It's only natural then, that I decided to make a career based on just that.

In my practice I focus on that part of the population sometimes known as the "worried well", the "walking wounded" or even the "working wounded"; people who, like anyone else, have their share of baggage, stressors, and challenges, but manage to carry on as best they can.

Anyone, however, can reach a point of being overwhelmed. Sometimes it's when too many ordinary stressors occur at once, or perhaps a loved one is in crisis, times of loss and grieving or transition through life's stages, or struggling to cope with a low mood. It's often at these times that relationships can fray, and daily routines seem like too much.

I'm going to address these issues in my bog, as well as provide information about the nature of counselling and talk therapy - what it is and isn't, what a person can expect, and perhaps clear up some commonly held misconceptions. I'll also touch on what people can do to help themselves not just survive, but thrive.