Taylor Swift's Latest Video: Feminism that ain't so swift!

by Stephen B.Chadwick, MA Counselling Psychology.

www.cowichancounselling.ca

So Dear Friends,

Taylor Swift

Many more updates to come, but I just thought I would put this out. I happened to chance upon Taylor Swift's latest video. As I have stated in my other post about cutting yourself some slack , and why it is sometimes useful to switch out the character in the story -- namely your own story. One can see why, perhaps this latest video is a tad on the disturbing side.

Objectification: Using people as objects. A lesson from the antics of Bill Cosby and Jian Ghomeshi

by Stephen B.Chadwick, MA Counselling Psychology.

www.cowichancounselling.ca

Bill Cosby

What with what has happened in the last few days and weeks in the media with first of all Jian Ghomeshi and then later with Bill Cosby, I thought I would talk a bit about objectification and abuses of power. Now, it must be stated that these things are not as simple as they seem from the outside observer. Anything that is risqué or scandalous sells in the general media. This we know.

But quite apart from wanting to follow the dirt on any particular celebrity, there are indeed a couple of interpersonal dynamics that are happening here with the Jian Ghomeshi incident (here in Canada) and then the Bill Cosby case in the United States.

And when it involves powerful people, especially in the media, sometimes it is more about the media scandal than it is about the people (both victim and perpetrator) in the scandal who were hurt.

The Blame Game

by Stephen B.Chadwick, MA Counselling Psychology.
www.cowichancounselling.ca

A Follow up from the Identified Patient

So dear friends, in my last post I talked about the "identified patient" or "I.P." and how the identified patient is the one member of a family who usually comes in or is sometimes dragged in to therapy. This is because, rightly or wrongly, the "I.P" is the "one with the problem", who has, or is causing, or even IS the problem (in the opinion/estimation of the family).
This sets up the fiction that the rest of the family HAS no problems..... other than of course the identified patient.

Now the other piece that comes out of this story and follows naturally from it is that if and/or when the I.P. goes into therapy and starts to get better it presents other unique problems for both the IP and the family.

Our Lips Are Sealed: Why counsellors and psychotherapists maintain (or try to maintain) Confidentiality

by Stephen B.Chadwick, MA Counselling Psychology.
www.cowichancounselling.ca

Of course I would have to start off this post with the classic Gogo’s song and a video insert from the same. However, I think I will leave that towards the end of the post.  This is kind of, sort of, a heavy “intellectual” post so it might be nice to finish off with something light and silly or carefree.

Okay, the other day someone mentioned to me that they had read on another blog somewhere that counsellors and psychotherapists/psychiatrists/psychologists/psychoanalysts are generally considered to be (gasp!) a bit aloof and ridiculous. And mainly this is because they are perceived as being very secretive, in other words they don’t reveal (or shouldn’t) very much about themselves when clients come in for therapy sessions. As a result, there is a belief within the larger (non-mental health) world that counsellors are a bit buffoonish. So ultra-concerned about confidentiality. They have reason to be. And there is reason for it.

Michael Brown: Prejudice, race relations and tensions -- How to handle?

With what has recently happened in Ferguson, Missouri in the United States it is no wonder that there are now protests in that city following the death of Michael Brown, a young black youth, who was unarmed, yet was shot.

When I thought about this the other day, I could only think that this is nothing else but a "hot mess", as the expression goes. There is no elegant way out of this mess. Not for Darren Wilson, the man who shot Michael Brown, not for the city of Ferguson, nor the state, nor the protesters, nor the lawyers who will be involved, nor the governor of that state and most certainly not for Michael Brown's family.

So this post, today is to help address perhaps some of the complicated issues -- or at least try to understand them. I claim no authority on sociological issues, nor race relations in the United States. I am not an American citizen. I am not a "person of colour", unless of course "white" is -- from a point of view of physics --- a combination of all the colours of the rainbow when put through a prism, but I do understand some of the difficulties of prejudice. And I understand something (I think) about human nature and psychology.

So, perhaps it might be useful to take this scenario apart and examine its parts and from there maybe see what we little people -- meaning people who are ordinary people going about our daily business can do to help prevent prejudice and racial tensions in little ways, everyday?


To begin with, what exactly happened? Michael Brown, a young black teen was shot multiple times in Ferguson, Missouri. And he was stopped apparently by the police officer, Darren Wilson for jaywalking. There was also some news information that seemed to suggest that Brown and his friend who was with him at the time, Dorian Johnson, and who witnessed the event that Brown (and Johnson) may have robbed a convenience prior to the shooting death of Brown. Apart from Johnson, a bystander -- a woman by the name of Piaget Crenshaw -- witnessed and took photos of the event, stating that she saw Brown run from the police car with his hands in the air.

 Now, suppose Brown and Johnson had just robbed a convenience store (which they apparently they hadn't) and suppose Brown struggled with the police officer (which apparently he hadn't). One wonders if this is justification for having been shot? I suppose it would depend upon whether or not the officer was in need to defend himself from being attacked by Brown.

I won't get into the details, because one can go back and forth on who said what and who saw what and who did what, where, when, etc. etc. This is for the courts to decide.

However, judging by the human outcry by what has since happened Ferguson, it is likely unjust that Brown was shot to death.

Given that the community of Ferguson is mostly (from what I have read) black and that the police department (from what I have read) is mostly white, it would seem that this might be a racial concern/issue.

Now, for most police officers, policing is a stressful situation: one has to rely on quick-thinking, split-second decisions. They have to put their lives on the line to save people, even people who are on drugs and intoxicated, from themselves and others. Moreover, the officer is sometimes not aware if the individual he or she has to confront is armed or concealing arms, etc., etc. Police work is stressful and dangerous.

However, sometimes these types of situations are exacerbated by anxiety, hyperarousal, and acting before thinking. Moreover, if one is of a different colour or race it puts a literal, visual barrier between one individual and an ordinary citizen who may look  suspicious, but is actually doing nothing harmful.

It is a recipe for paranoia. And anxiety.  If you feel like the police may be after you, because you are black and therefore "put upon" and followed around on the street or in a department store or wherever you may go, then likely you will act paranoid. You will naturally be looking over your shoulder!

Now think about it.

If I am feeling distrustful of someone or something, I will look over my shoulder. I will be hypervigilant. If then, someone else sees me -- looking over my shoulder, what exactly will he (or she) think. To put it in simple terms:

Your mother knows you like to sneak cake out of the fridge. You get punished for it when you do.

Now she sees you "sneaking" but for what, she doesn't know. What do you think she is going to think.

AHA! You are sneaking cake out of that fridge again!

.....But maybe you weren't.

But if your mother is so... and here is another fancy word "PUNITIVE", you may just want to hide from her the fact that you are sneaking something else. Maybe in fact you are sneaking money out of the fridge or freezer (what you call "COLD HARD CASH") to buy your mom a mother's day gift or birthday present.

But what is she going to think????

Exactly. She will think you are sneaking cake again.


Now, I wish dear friends that it could be this simple and innocuous, that poor Michael Brown's situation was all just a silly confusion over stolen cake out of a fridge -- but it's not.

It has more to do with assumptions and prejudice.

What people assume about white people. What people assume about black people. What people assume about anyone who is different from themselves.

Now one can say, well and good. And one can take the time to examine prejudices and see that most people are just like everyone else. We all want the same thing (mostly). However, when one has certain ingrained ideas about other people hammered into you constantly, day-in and day-out, again and again. Even if you consciously try not to believe clichés or stereotypes about other people, they will invariably seep into your consciousness.

So it seems that race and racial prejudices still rear their ugly heads in the United States, especially in the south.

Now! Hold on just a second there!

Do not think for even a moment, that racial (or other) prejudice does not exist in other areas of the world. I regret dear friends, that up here in Canada, for example, that we Canadians have the view that we all live in one great big jolly non-racial, non-judgmental, non-homophobic, non-prejudicial paradise. Ha! I wish.

Prejudice exists EVERYWHERE. Let me say that again.

Prejudice exists EVERYWHERE.

Though laws might be enacted to stop racism and homophobia, and "fill-in-the-blank"-phobia, it unfortunately exists. And probably always will.

So, most areas of Canada for example do not have a preponderence of black people to white people as in the United States, however, there are other visible minorities that nonetheless, take abuse from the "dominant culture": Chinese, East Indian, First Nations (or Native Indian), and even French-Canadian or Québecois., etc. etc.

And yes, prejudice can go two ways.

And Canada (and the U.S.) are not the only countries where there is prejudice. In Great Britain, they have problems with race too, with Jamaicans and immigrants from the African countries and former colonies of Great Britain, like India and Pakistan and more lately, Eastern Europeans. In Ireland: well, it's a Protestant/Catholic thing. In France, it's about the Muslims from Algeria and the muslimification of France. In Italy, again immigrants from the African countries. And in Germany, that country where Hitler once reigned?

Ask the Germans about "Wessies" and "Ossies". A Wessie is someone from West Germany who stereotypically works hard so that lazy "Ossies" can freeload off the German state welfare system. And then of course, Germany also has the difficulty with nationalized, German-speaking, fully socially integrated Turks. These Turks were once "Gästarbeiter" or Guest workers who came to Germany to help build up the Germany economy and business, yet these same people sometimes have difficulty with integration into the society they helped to build!

What I am saying, friends, is that prejudice and problems of prejudice exist EVERYWHERE.

Now the funny thing is....

Sometimes these prejudices will manifest in the most bizarre ways. For example, during the Second World War, some German Nazi Officers would take Jewish mistresses in secret. In the deep south of the United States, as I am sure is common knowledge, white slave owners would also have black slave mistresses. It has been known that there is also some degree of attraction of Germans towards naturalized Turkish citizens of either gender. And of course there is also the common obsession with some Caucasian men taking Asian girlfriends as they are so "exotic".  Clearly, in this instance, the "prejudice" get subverted and taken inwards. Whereas some of these men may abhor other men who are "the wrong kind", i.e. different, etc., they certainly place on a pedastal of the same. Obviously they are making these women into a fetish of sorts. The women are turned into objects of lust. They are truly objectified. Just as their male brothers are also objectified. They are turned into something other than full human beings with emotions and feelings and... everything else.


But the other side of prejudice is.... wait for it.

Prejudices can actually be a good thing.

(I can hear the stunned silence!) Gasp! Shock!


Okay, so what do I mean by this?

What I mean is that prejudices are "prejudgements" or assumptions that we have about people or places or situations.  And sometimes this can, in fact be a good thing.

What I mean by this is, all of us and I mean absolutely all of us, prejudge ANY situation, based upon what we have been told or experienced in the past.

Now the ONLY thing, as far as I can think of where prejudices come in as useful, are in situations or dealing with people who send up our warning signals to beware.

So, one time, a very astute young man, railing about the aversion to "prejudices" rightly pointed out that:

        "Like, supposing you see, like some Charles Manson-like dude, coming up your driveway with a limp and covered in blood and with a bloody axe in his hand. Sure in hell no way, you're gonna stick around to see if the guy is "a nice guy" and maybe you just, like, have some prejudices about him!"

So sort of somewhat like the image from the film The Shining with Jack Nicholson. Note: I will NOT add in an image here. It's rather too gruesome. But for those of you who wish you can watch the film.



So, then I wonder? I just wonder, is it in fact perhaps possible that, without excusing anyone's actions, that heightened anxiety, hyperarousal of fear and the presence of prejudice and a firearm all "neatly" combined to produce the tragedy of poor Michael Brown and his death?

I would hazard to guess.

So, finally what to do?

Do we abandon all prejudices?

Quite clearly from the Jack Nicholson/The Shining Character example -- the answer is no. Clearly no.
But with race, we are not talking about monsters. Monsters and psychopaths exist in every race. However, perhaps the objectification of people, when they come with monstrous prejudices attached does turn them into being viewed by others as a Jack Nicholson character???

So then, again what do we do.

Perhaps, if indeed you are a person who has prejudices.... and we all do.
Test them.
That's right. Test them out. See if they are indeed valid in all cases. And then if they are not....., which they probably aren't, then you need to discard your old way of thinking and throw them out.

And if you are someone who is struggling with (racial) prejudice towards a particular group... process your feelings and concerns. If you have a black friend, talk to them -- CAREFULLY -- mind you, but talk to them. Express what you feel and what you struggle with. Of course you have to be careful what you express, it may get you in hot water.

And the same would go for someone who was struggling with Asians, or Muslims or Jews or Queer people or "fill-in-the-blank" type person. See them as real.  See them as individuals.See them with their flaws and see their humanity. Do not see them as a cliché or stereotype.

If you are troubled by what you have seen in Ferguson, process it with a friend. Talk it over. The best way that you personally, on a small, individual level can defend against the tragedy -- and this kind of prejudice happens EVERYWHERE in the world, is to connect and join in solidarity with someone from the other side of the so-called fence.

Take care,

Steve.

I welcome comments, questions for clarification and dialogue respectful to this post and any others.

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Flight MH17

Flight MH17: Multiple, Severe Loss and Grieving.

Because of what has happened in the last few days in Eastern Ukraine, with the downing of flight MH 17, I have felt an obligation to write a post about this, precisely because it has been so horrific. And quite possibly because, others may be struggling to make sense of all this, not least of which the victims’ families.

For some reading this post or thinking about Flight MH17, it may bring up profound grief or even tears. So talking about the emotional experiences of what we see and witness in the world can help, especially if we can process it.

And for those who may be feeling “emotional” or teary-eyed, this may be due to at least two, if not more factors. One of them I have already started to talk about which is “identification” or what you identify with (see my earlier (2) post (s) on identification: "Can I have your identification, please -- part 1 on personal identity, Link here: http://www.cowichancounselling.blogspot.ca/2014/07/can-i-have-your-identification-please.html  And "Can I have your identification, please -- part 2 (on national identity), Link here: http://cowichancounselling.blogspot.ca/2014/07/can-i-have-your-identification-please.html
 
Identification is similar to when you go to a movie  and you “identify” or resonate with or feel a character in the film  and thus you cry or laugh or become excited or angry or whatever the emotion may be, especially if you have had a similar experience to the character.

So therefore I would hazard to guess that many of the following people or groups of people would identify with this disaster and it would therefore bring up for them tears of grief, as there was a link of similarity:

            The Netherlands and all people of Dutch descent

            Australians

            Malaysians

            Family members of the victims of flight MH370

            Family members of the victims of 911

            Family members who have lost children to terrorism

            Family members of those who have been senselessly murdered, such as at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conneticut, or Virginia Tech or Columbine highschool in Colorado...   

And of course one can include Russians... Why, one might ask? Because, as seen in this photo taken from around Hrabove (the site of the crash),

        the Russians or Ukrainians in Eastern Ukraine have also been suffering loss of life while the conflict over there has been raging.

            and the list for “identification” goes on....

The other, second reason why one might be feeling teary-eyed or emotional, if one is not directly connected with these events or “identifies” with them in some way, would be due to displacement.

            What is displacement? Displacement is usually when you transfer the emotion of some other experience onto your current situation.

            Let me give an example.

There was once an individual* whom I saw who was struggling with the death of someone close to him. Before seeing him that day, he tripped and fell over and skinned his knee and also quite severely torn his pant leg on a nice pair of dress pants. The wound on his knee was a small flesh wound, nothing an adult would really cry about. Yet when I saw him, he bawled his eyes out, like a baby.

            Why, you might wonder did he do this? Because of displacement. The individual had been struggling for so long in dealing with the death of a loved one and had been subsequently holding everything in, in order not to let everything go. He was obliged to do this as no one else in his family could.

            He finally “snapped” and how he snapped, was by skinning his knee. At this point, he allowed himself or could no longer contain himself and just had to cry. (Yay! I thought to myself). He subsequently felt much better as if a load had been lifted off his shoulders.

            However “displacement” happens more frequently than people realize. It happens because one is given license, so to speak, to cry over more serious issues.

            Whenever an individual carries around an emotional load, that they cannot discharge, because of whatever reason, the emotion will build. After a time, there will be a final straw, which will break the camel’s back.

So you may find a co-worker who has been dealing with abuse in silence and then suddenly snaps, because you inadvertently said the wrong thing. Or a pregnant woman will be over or highly emotional when viewing a sentimental film which she would otherwise consider maudlin.

Often times when you “cry for joy”, this is a displacement. You have been struggling for so long with something and holding it in that when the pressure is off, you finally cave in and cry.  Really, you should be jumping around and shouting “yahoo!” but you have been carrying a bottled up emotion that all you can feel are tears of relief.

This scene with actress Emma Thompson from the film, Sense and Sensibility illustrates what I describe. The character of Elinor, has been obliged to withhold her feelings due to social obligations and propriety of the time. When she is given back the hope that she can marry her true love and that all is not lost, well, she loses her self-possession. Watch.

              

 

So an individual may witness something only mildly emotionally disturbing or profoundly emotionally disturbing, but if they have been displacing their true feelings about something else, then having “a meltdown”, as most people call it, over some minor incident is quite understandable, like that man who began crying because he skinned his knee. What he was really crying about was the loved one he was losing. Hence, a displacement.

 

Finally dear friends, I will finish by saying that when serious, major, severe disasters occur such as this one, people struggle in their grief to find a meaning, or reason for the disaster. By having a reason or a meaning, it makes the loss less severe. It also makes the loss easier to comprehend, because otherwise you cannot literally fit it into your brain (or psyche). Hence this is why sometimes disasters like this are called “senseless”. I will not get into the metaphysical or theological, but this is where belief and faith make misery tolerable. Indeed, sometimes it is the ONLY thing that makes misery tolerable.

Lastly, a piece of music. Dominic Harvey of the The Winchester Cathedral Choir sings Pie Jesu from Gabriel Fauré’s Requiem in D minor. It is a choral orchestral setting for a mass for the dead. The piece is in Latin and the words are very simple:

Pie Jesu Domine – Pious Lord Jesus

Dona eis requiem – Give them rest

Pie Jesu Domine – Pious Lord Jesus

Dona eis sempiternam requiem – Give them everlasting rest

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6ePmrZDTfw

 I welcome comments, questions for clarification and dialogue respectful to this post and any others.

Take care,

Steve.

*Identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individual

Just Get Over It! (Already)..... Not!

by Stephen B.Chadwick, MA Counselling Psychology.
www.cowichancounselling.ca

 

 The caption for this entry is “Just Get Over It!”and I think it needs to be spoken about because so many people use or have used this phrase that people assume, that there is something to it.

 

What I mean by this is, many people either consciously (like they state it aloud to others, almost in complaint) or think it about themselves when struggling to get over a loss. Like.... “I should be over this already it has been ..... (fill-in-the-blank)  days/weeks/months/years”.

So someone has suffered from a loss, of any description, and they think that they have a due-date on their grief... kind of a like a best-before date on a carton of milk or a due-date on a library book.  Like, it’s okay to be moaning and grieving but after a certain date, the milk in the carton goes sour or the library book starts incurring fees.  So after a while your friends to whom you may pour out your heart or your grief, think you have turned into sour milk or that you are like a book that should go back to the library. See my post on whining to friends!

They’re  right. But they are also very wrong.

Hunh? What are you saying? I hear you ask.

 Let me explain.

First of all, take a look at this clip. I am not keen on the film Moonstruck. I love the films of Norman Jewison, a Canadian director. But I am not keen on this film. Regardless, there is a classic scene with Cher and Nicholas Cage that helps to illustrate this post entry.

 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMtRKgzI27c

So Cher’s character acts pragmatically. She slaps Nicholas Cage and tells him to “snap outta it!” The problem with this is... when one experiences a loss, one can’t just “snap outta it!” So, as I mentioned above, when well-meaning friends say this or “get over it/suck it up” or says “She (or He) just needs to get over it” or something like that... they are seriously ignoring the lived experience of the person who is grieving and trying to wipe it away. Wrong.

 

With the character of Nicholas Cage, he is angry, very angry. He has lost his arm in some sort of accident and still clings desperately to the past, hence he can’t just “snap out of it”. Unfortunately with people who are still grieving it is important to acknowledge where they are in the process of accepting their situation as it is. It also has a lot to do with how they currently identify themselves. Remember, where I talked about identification in the posts: Can I have your identification, please? Well, this is where it comes in.

 

The character of Nicholas Cage still identifies with his past hurts and experiences, hence he cannot let go of his pain and anger and so when he finds love with the character of Cher he clings to her like a drowning victim.

 And speaking of drowning victims, this is a very good analogy. Again when someone casually tosses off a “Just let it go” comment, it’s usually a pretty good indication that the speaker is not understanding the person’s intense grief. Dollars to donuts.

 

So, when a person is drowning, they are obviously in a highly agitated state. Their very life is in danger. And what typically lifeguards tell rescuers when they venture out to rescue the person is to literally  push the person away from you, if they start to grab onto you. Makes sense. Otherwise both of you will go under and both of you will drown. However, you also need to consider what is going on for the person in distress (but not drowning). He or she had been clinging to their past experience of life and identification: mother, husband, career designation, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever and now all of a sudden they are out, abandoned, in the middle of the (emotional) ocean, without a life ring.  They are scared and they are terrified. (and maybe angry and confused) OF COURSE they are going to cling to whatever they had or had lost. And of course, they will be “clingy” to their friends or those who will listen. Or the first half-way good situation which comes along, which is also why people get into similar relationship patterns over and over and over.  This is perfectly normal.  Let me say this again. This is perfectly normal.

I remember very clearly, an experience of one individual I knew who had suffered a severe relationship loss. The individual had lost not one but two relationships of some significant time (3 or more years) over 10 years. The individual struggled to overcome his loss. And yet was told: “Just get over it!”, “Let it go!” , etc, etc. Wrong. The individual could no more let it go, than the poor person, who could not swim, abandoned out in the middle of the ocean with no dry land in sight and with only a life ring. The individual was absolutely clinging therefore to the last valid relationship in their life. This was normal as there was no other relationship on the horizon.

So.... If you are in a loss of some sort. Reject the comments that say: “Just get over it” , because it just makes you feel worse. Why? Because the implication is subtle that one just needs to do some simple step in order to overcome the loss. Nope.

There are other gurus out there who say that this is what you need to do, but I believe they are wrong. One cannot let go of your life-line, until one feels safe enough to know that there is something to replace it. Full stop.

 

Now, that having been said..... They are also right. ..... Hunh???

 

Yes, they are right. Quite apart from the fact that your well-meaning friend has somewhat callously or insensitively told you to “get past it”, he or she is kind of right. I won’t get into the fact that perhaps your well-meaning friend may also not have a whole lot of emotional space internally to show you empathy and that they may be a significant problem for they themselves. But they are indeed right. How, you may ask?

I’ll tell you.

When a person begins to identify so much so with their past and past experience, it begins to create a vicious circle. You identify as _________ (fill-in-the-blank) and so you continue to act like the person you have been and the experiences you have had.  You subtly recreate the same self-perpetuating experiences you have always had. With of course the same result.  And sometimes, by sheer will, by sheer necessity, as in the case of the character Cher plays in Moonstruck, one needs to ignore (or try to) what one is currently feeling in order to create a new identity. This is sometimes how people who have grown up in the most horrendous social upbringings are able to completely change their lives and throw off the past chains of their history.  

 So, you need to think of yourself differently. However the problem is, just like the person clinging to the life ring, UNTIL they start to let go of the ring and start actively paddling they will always be dependent (not co-dependent!) upon  having that life ring.  And unfortunately learning to let go and swim can only be accomplished when you feel relaxed enough that you aren’t afraid you are going to drown! It’s a paradox.

 

Put it this way, say you have lost a relationship, a job, a physical function for example. You will feel a tremendous amount of anxiety, you will grieve, be angry, will wish you could go back in time and change things back to the way they were. And your identity and emotional state will be locked into where you are and where you were, when things were “right”. And of course you will not be feeling relaxed and calm. Not at all.

But! If you can “get over it” or “let it go” --- which usually happens after all the acknowledgement of grief. THEN! You can feel confident enough to find a new relationship, a job or a way around your physical disability. And that involves being creative and open.

The ironic part is people can rarely find creative, fun, nifty solutions to their problem(s), when they are stuck and afraid and still identified in their loss.  Because, surprise! surprise! Anxiety/depression run absolutely counter to a creative mindset.

So acknowledge your loss. If you are down in the dumps. Don’t let anyone tell you: “ Just get over it!” You will get over it in direct proportion to the decrease of fear you feel when you look at what your loss means to you and to how you identify. Creation is a courageous act of sheer will. And the more courage you can muster and/or creatively you can think, the faster the change will come.

And think of this ABBA song. You’ll be dancing once again and the pain will end.

I welcome comments, questions for clarification and dialogue respectful to this post and any others.

If you are interested in this or other posts, why not click on the Google + button or submit your email, either way and follow?

 

Take care,

Steve.

P.S., here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqsrWXkLBoY

 

 

 

Can I have your identification, please (Part Two)

Dear Friends,

As I stated yesterday or the day before yesterday, the post on “Identification” was going to be a long one.  Part one talked about personal identification at the individual level and how – if you are misrepresented or mislabelled by yourself or others then there is conflict. Internal conflict. Between what you want or believe you are and what you actually are and/or how others see you or view you and thus label you.

In this (second part) of this post, I want to talk about how this can happen at a broader, even national level and how this can lead not to interpersonal conflict, but real-life war conflict.

Let us witness the current, recent situation with Ukraine. Ukraine is not one unilingual, uniracial country. It is mixed with Russians, Germans, Jews, Armenians, Tatars, Georgians, Greeks, etc., etc.,

Recently I discovered a youtube video celebrating the diversity (multiculturalism, as we call it here in Canada) which was made a few years ago.

Ukraine is seemingly struggling between East and West, yet is made up of multiple “identities”, yet they are all Ukrainian.  The series of videos ends with the Ukrainian national anthem (sung in different languages) and a slogan for national identity: “We are all different, but we are all one!” Similar to Shakespeare’s line that “One man plays many parts”. In one particularly interesting video in this series, there are a group of people all gathered for a picnic out in the country and quite clearly all of different ethnic backgrounds: Greek, Middle Eastern, African, etc.  and yet they all come together.

Here is the video:

 

 

 

This is most intriguing, given the current push and pull of national politics lately in that country: “Do they identify as Russian?” “Do they identify as European?”  “Are people in the east of the country really anti-Ukrainian or secretly pro-Soviet?” or “Are the people in the west of the country really covert Nazis or anti-semites?”

All of this bickering and backing and forth-ing (is "forth-ing" a word I can use?) can be construed as internal national conflict: People who on the outside speak, look and act like Russians but IDENTIFY as Ukrainian, even if they don’t speak Ukrainian. Or, conversely people, particularly in the west, who act, speak, look and identify as Ukrainian but NOT anti-Russian, anti-semite or anti-peace.

So this, dear friends, both on a personal, individual level and even on a larger, national level is why identity is so important: when you know who you are and are happy with who you are there is no conflict, distress or anxiety. And you probably know why you are here on this planet. And most distressing is probably to be identified and/or labeled as something you personally feel you are not and does not reflect your internal (i.e. emotional) experience.

Many Canadians, for example, in my own country resent being mislabelled as “Americans” when abroad. Many Welsh, Scots and Irish similarly dislike being labeled as “English”. And certainly those persons who are Basque, are not fond of being called “French” or “Spanish”.

 And why, ultimately is identity and how you identify so important? Because your identity is a question linked to a big, fancy word called: “existentialism”, which is basically the question of: “Why do I exist? And What is my reason for being on this planet?”.

With luck, I will tackle this question in another post.

But for now, think about who you are and what you do. How do you identify yourself? And if you lost your job or career or significant relationship with someone else (or your country, yikes!), would you be a blank?

Consider and treasure all that you are and the relationships you have right now at this moment, for they define and identify you as you are now. And if you wish to change something, then, like plastic surgery, you will become your more authentic self as you grow and evolve towards that which you want to become.

I welcome comments, questions for clarification and dialogue respectful to this post and any others.

If you are interested in this or other posts, why not click on the Google + button or submit your email, either way and follow?

Take Care,

 

Steve.

Can I have your Identification, please?

by Stephen B.Chadwick, MA Counselling Psychology.
www.cowichancounselling.ca

WARNING: LONG POST: WARNING: LONG POST

So I am starting this next post with a familiar quote that everyone hears when they get stopped by the cops and are speeding or run a red light or did some minor infraction. What, you may ask does this have at all to do with counselling and psychotherapy? Wait for it. We’ll get to it.

Okay, Identifications can have a couple of different meanings. Apart from your passport or your driver’s licence, How you identify... how you identify yourself... and what you identify with can have some pretty important meanings. All of us have multiple identifications in this life: father, son, daughter, mother, cousin, grandson, sibling, co-worker, employee, boss, lover, etc., etc. and that’s just for starters.

            Think about this:

When you go to a party or a social gathering, what is usually the first thing that most people ask, apart from your name? You introduce yourself and then your “interlocutor” (my fancy word for the day, meaning the person you are having a conversation with) ... Anyway your interlocutor, says:  “So... what do you do?”

And you immediately, say... “I’m a _________(fill in the blank)”, as if an individual can be reduced to a single word. You can’t. Both male and female, we fulfill multiple roles in our lives.  Shakespeare mentioned this in his monologue from As You Like It where the character of Jaques, in Act II, Scene VII who states that “All the World’s a stage and... one man in his time plays many parts”.

So, identification is important. Perhaps more so for men that for women, because, and here I overgeneralize, because for men, they identify (generally) with who they are and what they do, whereas (generally) women identify with their roles in relation to others. Hence when the average man loses his job, he becomes a blank, a nothing. Like the fill-in-the-blank above. Whereas most women, again, these are overgeneralizations, may not feel the loss nearly as keenly because their identity is not so wrapped up in their job or career. This of course is not true for all women or all men. And any job or career loss is devastating. But perhaps some women (and men) can weather it better when their identity is less dependent upon what they do but rather their relationship to whom they do it.

Now, this doesn’t mean that the loss of the relationship can’t also be devastating. Take for example, the play by Tennessee Williams, Suddenly, Last Summer. Granted, there is a song by the Motels from the 80’s about this film. The original had some heavyweights: Montgomery Clift, Elizabeth Taylor and Katharine Hepburn. There is a line in the film where Katherine Hepburn turns to Clift and says: “After all, I’ve buried a husband and a son. I’m a widow and a... Funny there’s no word. Lose your parents and you’re an orphan. Lose your only son and you are... nothing”.

 

 

This was a very powerful play but it illustrates the power of identification with what you are and  to whom you relate.

 

Taken to the other extreme, when you don’t identify with anything you have very little reason for existing... which I will discuss in a moment. Take for example another film, however this is Sci-Fi – Logan’s Run from the seventies. In this futuristic world, everyone is identified as a number – sound eerie already – Logan 5, Jessica 6, etc., etc. simply because real identification, interaction and meaning with other people are simply no longer possible because the world population has exploded and everyone is obliged to give up their life for “renewal” at age 30. Everyone goes around identifying themselves with a super, glow-in-the-dark chip implanted, Jesus-like,stigmata-like, in the palm of their hand. 

 

So, identification, how and what you identify as in this world is important. Important, so that your life has proverbial meaning and you are not just a number, like in Logan’s Run. But it is also important just how your identification is derived. And as I hinted at earlier, this can be what you do, but also what role you play in relation to others.

 

Now, you are probably asking why is this identification jazz so important anyway? Well, I’ll tell you. Because often the most difficult conflicts/stressors can come about psychologically AS A RESULT of the discrepancy BETWEEN what you are externally and what you are internally. In other words, what other people say or think you are and what you yourself think you are. In other words how you yourself, define yourself.

 

Again, you may think to yourself.... “Oh, what is all this malarkey?” “Who cares already?”

So, I will give a real, hard, concrete example. Two, in fact. I will start out with the most obvious one on the individual level and then I will go to the more abstract one on a national level.

Bear with me.

In a film by Pedro Almodovar (1999), called All About My Mother, there is a character called Agrado. Now, bear with me as Almodovar’s characters tend to be a little unusual if not bizarre. In the film, there is a play which is cancelled in a theatre as the main actress is sick. So, Agrado, who happens to be transgendered, offers to entertain the audience who would have otherwise left the theatre, by telling the audience her life story. In it she relates how she had endless amounts of plastic surgery in order to look like how she does and how much money and time it cost. She states that it was all worth it because “now the outside matches the inside” or “you are more authentic, the more you resemble what you have dreamed of”.

The clip is below with subtitles in English

 

 

 

Now, the character is talking about the externalities of what you look like – as a man, as a woman, etc. So, in this case, who are we to judge people who get plastic surgery? Yes, of course it is not “authentic”, but then the internal reality then matches the external reality and then the external identity matches the individual’s internal identity.  Problem solved. No more conflict.

 

Now, most of the population of this world are not transsexual. But stop and think for a moment. For all the women and girls out there who are looking to resemble something in a magazine. Should we begrudge them? No. They are in fact IDENTIFYING with the models in the magazine. Of course the lack of acceptance of how they actually look as opposed to how they would like to look, is what causes the conflict. You can either help them to accept they way they are or help them to become what they would like to be.

This conflict is even more profound for those who are indeed transgendered and are women inside men’s bodies or vice-versa.

But then, again, in terms of identification, for every man and for every woman, they will become their more authentic self when they either can become what they envision themselves to be and/or accept their external situation in congruence with their internal situation.

So, if you have always wanted to be an astronaut – and IDENTIFIED as one or if you have always wanted to be a ballerina – and IDENTIFIED as one and yet have not achieved the external reality to match the internal reality, then it is possible, perhaps strongly possible, that there will be some conflict or distress or disappointment.

Would it be that you could accept and love yourself as you are, where you are, then things would be okay. However, most people are not in that headspace.

 

In the next installment, I will talk about how this IDENTITY conflict can have national
consequences.

I welcome comments, questions for clarification and dialogue respectful to this post and any others.
And if you are interested in this or other posts, why not click on the Google + button or submit your email, either way, and follow?

Take Care,
Steve.

 

Tips and Strategies for Dealing with Anxiety and Depression BEFORE you need to see a counsellor.

Now, don’t take these tips as a be-all and end-all. They are just meant to be strategies that can tide you over until you are able to get into see a counsellor.

That having been said, when you make a decision to see a therapist, you may not be able to see one right away. In some cases, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and even mental health teams may have a waiting list. Sometimes these waiting lists can stretch for up to three months! By which time the client (you or someone else) may already have ridden out the crisis or the situation and may no longer think that you need to see a counsellor. Think that one over carefully. Indeed, the situation you may have experienced may have been temporary or “situational”, like losing a job or a girlfriend or boyfriend and you may have gotten over it within 3 months because – hey! Now you have a new job/boyfriend/girlfriend/ whatever (fill in the blank here).

However, in some situations where as I mentioned before in another post, you have been experiencing chronic, ongoing stressors, you may need to still see a therapist. So, for example, maybe you did lose your job/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever (fill in the blank here) but perhaps you did so and had your “meltdown” due to something else. Maybe you lost your boyfriend because of some relationship difficulties that chronically spring up in your relationships whenever you get involved with a fellow. Or maybe you lost your girlfriend because you get into a pattern of behaviour that sabotages the relationship. The difficulties we find in our intimate, interpersonal relationships, like our love lives, can also be apparent in our interactions, but in a more muted way obviously. You are not going to have an intimate relationship with your boss. Or maybe you try to and maybe that is why you lost your job. Who knows?

However, as I said our patterns of behaviour in our intimate relationships often show up in our ordinary, day-to-day relationships with neighbours, co-workers and bosses. You should also know that some of these patterns also come from our relationships with our first “intimates” namely our parents, our siblings and childhood friends.  But I am digressing.

In any event, you have a problem: anxiety or depression and you need to get in to see someone but the waiting list is miles long and you are in the lineup but it stretches down the corridor, around the hallway, down the stairs and out the front door and into the parking lot ......  across the street! What do you do in order to keep yourself together until you can get into see someone?

Here are some tips. These are tips, mind you, NOT a substitute for therapy. Think of these as an analogy with a snack or a meal. One wards off your hunger, the other will satisfy you longterm.

For Anxiety:

Anxiety can often be “misplaced intellectual or psychic energy” and no, I am not talking about the person you phone up on a 1-800 number to get the winning lottery ticket numbers. I am talking about the endless energy of thoughts running through your head: “What should I do about this?”, “What should I do about that?” “Did I do the right thing here?”, “Did I say the right thing there?” This is psychic energy.

1. Calm yourself down with a grounding exercise. For five minutes, do the following: Sit comfortably. Tell yourself aloud (or if you are in public, silently) 5 things you: see; 5 things you hear; 5 things you feel and can touch. Then get yourself to find 4 more things you can see, 4 things you can hear; 4 things you can feel or touch. And so on. Do this until you are down to the number one. By the end of the exercise you should be more in touch with what is currently going on around you in the moment rather than what is running around inside your head.
2. A second exercise: close your eyes or, if you are in public stare at a single spot. Slow your thoughts, if you can and if you can’t simply listen and concentrate on your breathing. Often when you have anxiety or an anxious moment, your breathing will become shallow and fast. Forcibly concentrate on trying to extend your breathing time – both in and out. Count the seconds in – make it as long as you can – and then count the seconds out – again as long as you can. And finally, if you can close your eyes, listen to your breathing. Listen to the quality of the breathing.  Listen to it going in and out of your lungs. Feel the rhythm of your breathing and your ribcage expanding and contracting and your shoulders relaxing. Get “in touch” with your body and your bodily sensations while you do this exercise.
3. Finally, the third exercise is not really an exercise, but a good suggestion. This suggestion is also useful for depression. You see, depression and anxiety can often be two sides of the same coin. It’s too long to talk about here, but people can flip from having no or low energy – depression, depressed mood to hyper-anxious and endless running thoughts. In this instance the best suggestion is: Get Out of The House! EVERYDAY!   Often, a simple change of scenery can change your thought patterns if you’re into a groove – be it anxiety or depression. For anxious people, getting outside of their heads (and into their surrounding environment, observing the trees, the flowers, hearing the birds, etc.) can be useful to take their minds off of their problems. For depressed persons also, getting out and about is useful, because depressed people will often isolate themselves. One good way to alleviate depressive symptoms is to get out (and ideally socialize). Again being able to interact with the world, even in just a small way, will often help lift a person’s mood.

For Depression:

Depression can run the gamut from just low mood or the blues to full-scale depression, where you isolate yourself, can see no other option or solution to your current problem and see no end in sight. Your energy is at an all time low and you have little hope and don’t feel like anything you do will be of any use. You may feel “beaten up” or “beaten down” and feel despondent, guilty, despairing and like there is no way out of your situation. It is most hard for people who are depressed to feel “revved up” or hopeful. Hope, you see, generates positive thinking and positive thinking generates energy and initiative to do things.

 

1. Again, just like anxious people: Get Out of The House! EVERYDAY! Just the mere physical act of getting out of your (literal) current environment can help to change your mind and brain. External stimuli – birds, flowers, sights, sounds, saying hi to the neighbour or going to the store or downtown to go shopping, helps to lift your mood.
2. Physical activity --  of any sort, helps to get things going. Natural endorphins are released into the body. Especially if this is hard, physical activity. Your heart is pumping; your blood is flowing. You are literally “on the move”.
3. Set a task and accomplish it that day. Do not make the task too big or you will defeat the point of this exercise. You see, with depressed persons, often they have a lot of inertia – inability to get up and get on with things, simply because they are, well, depressed! So as a result of feeling inertia and an inability to hope they tend to isolate, become bogged down in their depression, hopelessness and inertia and tend to vegetate or do nothing. This is precisely why you should get out of doors every day. Just to do something physical and active. However, if you also combine it with a moderate, ACCOMPLISHABLE (is accomplishable a real word?) task or goal you also increase your sense of well-being and hope and thus lift your mood.
4. Finally, a last exercise or suggestion for warding off the effects of depression.... until you can see a counsellor or therapist, is to do something for someone else or volunteer. This tackles a number of the above exercises. It gets you out of the house (changes your mind/brain chemistry and your environment). By the way, anybody remember the video by Sheryl Crow from a few years ago entitled: A Change (would do you good). The link is here: Check it out. It’s all about the craziness of people’s lives and how – taken from a broader perspective – like an angel or a benevolent witch up on a cloud somewhere – it would make you laugh, seeing the ridiculousness of it all. This helps a lot with depression.

 

 

1. And if you want a really good laugh, and want to see this illustrated on a bigger broader perspective, check out Pedro Almodovar’s film from the 80’s, Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. Same principle as the Sheryl Crow idea, but just reframing the idea of chronic frustration.

  Moreover, volunteering or doing something for someone else helps you to get a task accomplished (see exercise 3). And volunteering, or doing community work, like, ahem, the kind that Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton has had to do in the past (‘cause we all know orange IS the new black), helps you to gain a sense of usefulness to the world, a sense of purpose, which depressed people often lack but also helps to increase your sense of gratitude. Despite your personal situation, there will ALWAYS be people who will be worse off than you. Guaranteed. And this does not mean to say that you need to suffer your situation, regardless of what it is, but rather that there will always be people whose personal situation is far worse than your own.

So that is it in a very brief nutshell.  But bear in mind that these are exercises and suggestions for keeping yourself together UNTIL you can see a therapist and if you’re in an emergency, reach out for immediate help by dialing 9-1-1. They are not meant to be permanent solutions. They are like putting a temporary patch in a roof while it is leaking, until you can afford to, or until the weather dries up to put a new roof on your house.

 So until then, keep your house and your soul together,

Take Care,

I welcome comments, questions for clarification and dialogue respectful to this post and any others.
And if you are interested in this or other posts, why not click on the Google + button or submit your email, either way, and follow?

Steve.